SN discussion / saving kids / 12 month max
First a note about being nice. You can disagree with someone and still be nice. That's a very good thing to do, as it promotes discussion and we all get to see how other people feel about things. So, if you disagree then that's fine, just give rational reasons why you disagree, and be nice about it. Please.
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I keep seeing people talk about how most of the SN children have such minor needs, but then I look at the lists and see kids with heart defects and majorly deformed limbs and usually severe cleft issues and I never see kids with just a birthmark (they may have a birthmark along with another problem, but never just the birthmark).
And even the cleft affected kids aren't the minor special need that many make them out to be. I know of someone who adopted a cleft affected child and the child has major kidney problems (apparently the same genetic problem that effects the mouth also effects the kidneys). Plus, this child has had years of speech therapy and still cannot talk right. Yes, the surgery made her look okay, but there are many problems that are not going away any time soon.
Also, she will need surgery on her mouth every couple of years until she stops growing since the surgery makes it look okay now, but it won't grow with the child.
Not all families are prepared to shuttle a child to two or more speech therapy appointments a week for several years. Especially when both parents work. Throw in the extra surgery every few years until the child's mouth stops growing, and then the stress of where the kidney problems seem to be leading, and it's a really big deal for this family. They were prepared for some speech therapy and the surgeries every couple of years, but they were not prepared for the speech therapy to be a permanent thing, nor were they prepared for the kidney problems.
Many families do have the resources for this, but many do not.
Yes, all children deserve families. But in my opinion they deserve families who are equipped to care for them both emotionally and financially. Not families who intended to adopt a NSN child but were pushed into the SN program.
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I don't need to post my feeling on adopting to "save" a child because I did that yesterday on my other blog.
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Someone asked about my contact who said the CCAA has no intention of going beyond 12 months. I still put a lot of weight on this person's words. I'm also seeing agencies who are staying close to the 12 month time frame and then other agencies who are pushing it out past that 12 month time frame and I am trying to put everything together to come up with what is most likely the truth. And, my opinion at this point is that maybe the CCAA does not intend for it to go beyond 12 months, but maybe they aren't going to be able to stop it from happening, either. And mainly I say that because they are going to have to really kick it into high gear in order to keep it below 12 months. I hope they can pull it off, but I just can't depend on it anymore. I've told friends and family too many "probably" dates, I can't do it again. Now I just say I don't know. No way am I going to say "oh, we'll have our referral in September at the latest because they aren't going to go past 12 months". I just say it could be this fall, could be next summer, or anywhere in between.
posted by RumorQueen at 4/18/2006 01:45:00 PM
26 Comments:
I was wondering that too, where you find the SN kids with no special needs. I hadn't seen anything I would be able to handle when I had looked through the lists. I appreciate you highlighting that, as I thought I just didn't know where the good lists were.
Thank you. Well said.
I would like to mention that the NSN is not a guarantee that you will not get a child with SN. Some SN will not be identified until later, as our daughter has now a very large delay in her speech at 4 yrs old talks equivalent to an early 2 yr old.
Maybe this is an obvious statement but I did want to say it since all the talk of SN with very minor conditions(or no true SN) the converse can be true, NSN with SN.
As a side note, we love our daughter to bits and would not change anything about her. But it is sad to see her struggle and know that it will affect her for many years to come. We did not sign up for SN then or this time but do know it could happen. This is the chance you take by bringing children into your life, by birth or adoption.
I would also go for SN if I saw one I can handle, but all the SN on my agency's list are older or major issues. I know they all deserve homes, but since I've never been a parent before I think I need one who's needs I can handle. I read that you can list your SN that you are willing to take and let the CCAA match you up. Has anyone done this?
I have seen SN kids with birthmarks. I also just recently saw a SN little girl with a small scar on her upper lip (but no cleft condition). I think these very minor SNs (if even that) are out there -- but are very few and far between. And needless to say, they usually find families before they are posted to anyone's list....
2:56 - excellent point. But, there is a difference in going into it on purpose and going into it with the luck of the draw. Isn't there?
I know there are no guarantees. I hope we all know that.
I realize that there are no guarantees, but I would not knowingly ask for more than I could handle. However, if it became apparent later on, I'd deal with it the same way I would if she were born to me.
I totaly agree with you RQ, I keep hearing of how the SN of the children are minor (which in fairness some are but I don't think as many as we are led to believe?). I asked my agency if we could switch programs to SN and I was adviced not to as a lot of the SN need comprehensive surgery. As I already have 2 young children at home (one who has minor medical issues of their own) I don't feel I have the "strength" to take on such a responsibility.
most of the sn children are placed with families before they go on a public list. we are on a nsn track and already logged in. we get to see the new files before other families---I think that's why it appears most sn are significant, if your basing it on agencies websites lists. btw...there are lots of degrees of cleft issues--some mild, some severe....you have to do your homework....lots of children with sn do have very minor issues; again you really need to research it carefully
I've had a feeling for a while now that the CCAA had a plan to get more SN kids adopted.I think many people will attempt that route because they want a child, any child at this point. SN is a great way to go, IF you are equipped to handle it.It costs less for China to keep a healthy child than one with medical needs.I think it's naiive to think that money isn't a huge motivation. I just wish the CCAA would just decide what they're doing and get on with it. Tell us who's available and we'll choose which route to go. Either we'll all get older children or there will be a huge group of children that don't get adopted because of the delay. I've requested an older child ~2yo, so hopefully it will work out for one older child who might be passed over. Thanks RQ for all that you do.
I have to comment on the "birthmark" issue since I often hear people commenting, "How sad that s/he is on the SN list just because of a birthmark!"
A lot of people don't realize that a birthmark is not always just a cosmetic issue. Often the birthmark is a hemangioma which can be just cosmetic, or something much more. I have a friend whose daughter was born with a small birthmark on her leg. It is a hemangioma that doesn't look like much, but it is deeply embedded into the bloodstream and is not removable. As the child has grown the birthmark has grown too and is now impeding blood flow to the leg. Now at age 4 that leg is significantly shorter than the other which is causing a host of other issues. This child has spent many long days undergoing tests and seeing specialists all over the region and there is no one who can give her parents any good answers on what can be done.
This is not the case for all (or even most) birthmarks but I just wanted to offer this as another example of why parents who are considering switching to SN need to really do their research and know as much as possible what their potential child's special needs may be before making a decision based on wanting a shorter wait.
Something I've noticed, have you noticed this too?
The second the SN list hits our agency's website, the website becomes flooded with hits. Within minutes of the pictures being posted, those children are put on "reserve", as parents are studying their files.
I wonder if more people are considering SN children due to the wait? Each one on our agency's website was adopted last month.
I didn't see this happening when we started the adoption process a year ago.
I have a feeling it will happen again this time month.
RQ, you are an egomaniac.
Yes, in fact, there ARE a lot of children with minor special needs. Keep in mind that a lot of children that are posted on various agency websites are the children that they were unable to match. You can request minor special needs that you are comfortable with.
yes...true about requesting specific types of sn. the agency will look to families already with approved homestudy at their agency before they release to others....generally the children with minor sn are adopted right away!!! it usually the children with more serious needs are posted on lists to the general public
Thank you! It frustrates me no end when I see people casually making the decision to switch to SN adoption because of wait times. That's not to say that you shouldn't, just take time and come to terms with the realities.
If you look at the Waiting Children's group, they make it sound like all of the SN kids are a dream without any problems and how China made a mistake in the diagnosis. Some people go on about these kids not being "real" special needs. I think that they need to clarify that the children being offered for adoption don't have known mental developmental delays, but that doesn't make a child without a limb (for example) any less a special needs child than a child with other delays. Special Needs means that they have special requirements for their life. I've also read about several people who went with the SN adoption who thought they were getting one thing, but ended up with MAJOR physical issues. Yes, there is never a guarantee with NSN, but people just aren't looking at the reality that there are also no guarantees in SN adoption either. Just because you asked for a particular minor special need doesn't guarantee that is all you're going to have to deal with. These children don't come with warrantees that say 'only one special need per child'.
4:19, I fear that many people are switching quickly to SN because they just want a child and they want one NOW. They aren't thinking beyond their own emotional needs.
Maybe some can indeed care for a child who has medical issues. I sure hope so.
I just have concerns that many people are doing so just because they will get their baby sooner rather than later.
And many people make light of some of the "typical" SN conditions we see over and over again on the lists.
as a parent switching programs, I can assure you most families are not CASAUALLY changing course....no one is so naive to think there aren't concerns, but conversely its equally faulty to assume all sn children are "damaged" causing a lifetime of care and drama....again do the research before condeming families for pursuing sn.
3:30, you have to have a slight bit of an ego to even have a blog in the first place. You think you have something to say that's worth reading.
In RQ's case, it's true.
4:30, what is your future child's special need and why do you think you are ready to handle such a need?
Not attacking you. Just curious.
I know you probably feel personally attacked. Your reaction was very strong.
Perhaps hearing a personal story would help shed a positive light on things.
Our daughter's SN is a 1st degree cleft palate. We talked to two specialists about this and we fully understand the various degrees of severity and the syndromes that sometimes accompany that particular birth defect (it's the most common defect -- 1:700 births in the USA) We are satisfied that our child does not have a more serious syndrome with the cleft palate as an minor symptom. Since her gum line and teeth are not affected, there won't be any further surgery after the one that closes that small gap at the back of the roof of her mouth. Since the hard part (boney area) of the roof of her mouth has never been affected, there are no speech issues.
Our 22 month old NSN daughter still isn't talking and will very likely need therapy since what little she does say is totally incomprehensible. Oddly enough, the problem seems to be that she has a very high palate. She's more precious than words can describe and I'd never wish we had a more perfect child but she was NSN!
Here's something else to consider: SN kids are often in foster care instead of SWI's. This was a big plus to us. Our SN daughter has been in foster care since age 8 months. Our NSN daughter was in a SWI until we got her at age 14.5 months.
If you're interested in a minor SN, you should talk to your agency and let them know exactly what you feel you could handle. We did this and they immediately told us about the child we ended up picking. You'll get the child's history and picture and you're able to contact specialists and ask all the questions you need to ask before you make your final decision.
Most agencies will work with the families they know are interested in specific SN's before they publish their list. You'll probably have to pick a child from your agency's list since CCAA won't let you swap agencies after DTC anymore (a recent change).
Look at the beautiful kids on this list. Specifically, look at Marie. She has a hemangioma on her arm. I'm not a Doctor but my research reveals that it's more than a simple birthmark but surgery to remove it is not complicated (usually).
Anyway, I do agree that nobody should be forced onto the SN path from the NSN path. Especially if you think anything other than a perfectly healthy child would be too much for you to deal with. Unlike pregnancy, you do have that option with adoption. However, all bets are off after you bring the child home and you could be faced with just about anything! That's just one of the 'joys' of parenting! :)
Donna
I wanted to also share this page about Hemangioma and mention that, as an infant, I had a small one on my scalp. I guess the would mean that I would have been a SN child if I was born in China in the 21st century!
:)
Donna
If you feel you can't handle some minor special needs, you are taking a tremendous risk by having children. As many of you said, these things happen all the time. Healthy children get sick or badly injured. As a parent you should probably be prepared for anything. I agree that doesn't mean that everyone should seek out a child with special needs, but whether you are adopting or having natural born children, you never know. So what "fits into your plan" now may turn out to be drastically different.
Okay, I'm sorry, but this is starting to sound like the scene in "Raising Arizona" when H. I.'s boss Glen says, "Me'n Dottie went in to adopt on account of something went wrong with m'semen, and they told us five years' wait for a healthy white baby! I said healthy white baby! Five years! Okay, what else you got? Said, two Koreans and one Negro bom with the heart outside ..."
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We switched from NSN to SN back before the whole time crunch became an issue. We had applied to our agency in December 04 to adopt a HIGAYAP. Then we started looking at our agency's WC list and found our son. That was in January 05.
For us this was the right thing to do. This is our 3rd child, having two teenage boys (bio), so we didn't feel strongly about missing out on babyhood. Though already having 2 boys was a factor which first drew us to adopting from China: to get a girl.
Our newest son has a radial club hand. We have a nephew with much more serious birth defects. We have watched him grow and develop for the last 10 years, dealing with his condition. What we have taken on is much less than what we have watched my sister's family deal with, so we knew we could do it.
My biggest concerns were around attachment. our son was already 2 years old when we wrote our LOI, and was 33 months old before we had him. I think we are very lucky as bonding and attachment seems to be going very smoothly.
Adopting SN children is a good thing to do. However, doing it just to speed things up is not a good reason. Still I would encourage you to look at you agency's list and to listen to your heart.
As to "saving orphans", I agree it isn't a good reason to adopt. Yet all the same, by adopting these children we are saving them. You can flinch all you like when people heap undeserved praise upon you for it; but you should realize while it seems an uniformed reaction it is a natural one. Yes, I am lucky. I am lucky to even be able to adopt, and I am lucky to have received such a beautiful loving child. But he is lucky too, things could easily have worked out quite differently, and perhaps quite bleakly. I didn't set foot to this path with the sole intent of saving a child, yet a child was saved.
I know that at our biggey agency, they get a list of SN children and they are matched with families that have submitted their checklist of SN's they are willing to accept. So I agree with the others, the only ones that make it onto the list are the major SN's children. I'm not sure how it works if you ask the CCAA to match you with a SN child.
Very well put Scott. (I've never seen Raising Arizona but I agree with everything else =)
I am glad this topic is finally being discussed here. I was wondering why it hadn't come up.
We have asked the CCAA to match us with a SN or NSN child and we were very specific about what identified needs we are comfortable with. It is not and never was a decision about time or saving a child.
The term "special needs" is annoying, yet functional. All children have needs - on a continuum from high to low. An identified SN child could be on the low end while an NSN could be on the high end even without ever having a diagnosed disease, etc...
I could say more, but it's already been said.
But I do have to add - it is a personal decision- no one but my husband and I can decide what is best for our family - so everyone's opinion on the matter is irrelevant. It's annoying that people make judgements about why others adopt SN or NSN and paste generalities and false assumptions on us.
I'm not starting a debate here, I'm just saying in OUR specific case, our faith is guiding us in this. Although there is no certainty that our daughter won't have an unidentified SN beyond what we requested, we believe we'll be equipped to handle it - financially, emotionally, etc...
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